Sparrow's Nest

Greetings Bloggers.....
One of these fine days...I am going to get real regular on this Blog and then lookout!!! But someday hey? I think that would be a great thing to do for me....write everyday....someday....someday....I know I will!!
Well things were looking sort of good for about a week....maybe not that long....but hey a week is better then no time good at all you know what I am saying here? Sort of think that everyone does.
Things were beginning to look as though we might get to move our shop into a real storefront.....a for real STORE!!! So excited....that was me....making tons of wonderful plans and all....only to have it all crushed...and ruined!! It hurt....but I did get over that....as much as I can see our shop in a real storefront....a truely real store at a shopping strip....visions I must put on hold once again!! Oh well....so goes life! Our shop is there to help others that are in the Pagan walk of life...more or less I guess...but we just seem to be standing still at the moment for some reason. We were doing so good there for awhile...it was as though our little shop was really talking giant steps....then BAM....everything began to fall apart around us!!!
So we can only hang on to our dreams for the shop....all the visions we have for it are on hold....there is no money left to carry on for that much longer really. Maybe the Holidays will see us through this mess?...I sure hope so.We will see though won't we?
As for me...I am finding it terribly hard to be of any help to others when I cannot seem to help even myself out of this paper bag called depression!! By the way there is nothing worse then depression...in case you all are interested...it is the downfall of ohhhh...so many wonderful things....so many wonderful dreams....for everyone that goes through this. Right now, Dale is really trying so hard to stay together.....but he is faced with even more then me really...being the head of a household is not an easy job to begin with.....but when you are faced with no work other then the shop that you are trying to get off the ground floor.....and even though he tries to find regular work everywhere and almost every single day of the week, except for on the weekends, due to the fact that he needs to be at the shop on the weekends....he tries....really tries so hard....but since February of this year, he cannot seem to find any work at all....and what is even worse then this....is he is not being picky about anything!!! Oh he is well trained to do many things....but he is willing to do anything to have some sort of income coming in!! But both he and I are in our early 50's....and they don't seem to want anyone that old when hiring for work!! The shop was going to end all of this sort of thing...looking for work, etc., but rather then going forward and upward as it has been....it has done nothing other then go downhill...and for the life of me I do not understand why!!
Can't even believe it....Dale worked yesterday and today...helping to put together a Dollar Store in the Mall closeby. Working for $6 an hour...at his age and with his background in the working world!!! Something is better then nothing I know....but gee it seems as though he is getting slapped in the face from one side to the other all of the time. Well this is temp.....nothing else....just a little extra money for food and that sort of stuff. I do feel so bad that he must work like this though.....he is really better then this sort of work...so much smarter...and all so wasted because this country could really and truly care less about their own people....I mean it is geared to take care of those still coming in from other countries!!! Doesn't seem fair to me....but there was once a person who use to tell me there is nothing fair about life at all, not really....and I have to give the credit where it is due....he was right about that for certain!!
Dale had a set back last week though....his Grandfather passed on and he could not go home to be there for the funeral. He was sad about that....I think he tried to hide it from me....but I could see it all the same written in his eyes! The eyes are really the windows to ones soul....a wise old woman told me that a long long time ago! My Grandmother, God rest her soul. I know what it is like not to be able to go home when someone you are close to passes on....it has always been this way for me....so I really felt for Dale concerning this as well.
Sometimes I know I am a burden on him....like a stone that is tied to leg and he must now drag around with him everywhere he goes!! That is always a wonderful feeling to know you are nothing more then a problem for another......and the other happens to be the one you are married to!! The Pits!!! I only wish there was someway that we could somehow get some help. Can't turn to my family at all not for any reason!No way will they ever help me....it has always been like this though for me.I am the oldest child of 3 daughters...and I am the only one that has always had the door closed in my face for one reason or another! My parents do not hurt for money....they never have...but when it comes to helping me.....well they simply will not do it at all!! I guess it didn't help that I lived most of my life long distance...but there were so many times that I needed them to at least understand that that was not my choice....but that of my first husband! I wanted to live near them but he simply would not do that because they were living up north in Albany, New York at that time...and he being a Georgia boy was not about to move north for any reason! I have always loved my Mother and Father....but they will never know that because they don't want to! I came here after my divorce from my first husband...after being with that man for 25 years...and living where he had chosen to live.....here is Jacksonville, Florida...where my entire family now lives! I really don't think I would have even come here to live....giving up my home in Atlanta was not an easy thing for me to do at all....but they insisted that I was in danger....and that my first husband had even told them that if I did not get out of his housethat I would be chopped up in many peices and planted all over the yard of that house which was really all woods and over and acre of land!! So they sort of thought it better that I come down here...why I don't know....because since I have been here they still have nothing to do with me even though I live only right around the corner from them!! So here I am....and since I have been here....life has gone down down down!! They know I have never really worked out in the world....first because I was married for sooo long to the same man that refused to allow me to be out in the working world!! Second because it is not that easy to get a job when you have a seizure disorder and you will not lie about it when applying for any sort of work!! Been there....tried that and got fired for lying!! So I will not lie about what physical thing is wrong with me even though you would never know by looking at me or even talking to me...I am under complete control by the meds I have always taken....and that is 35 years of taking the same meds!! They knew from the first....that eventually, if I came down here to live, I would for certain run out of money and end up without proper food or a place to even live....they had to know!! My Father is not that dumb.....he is not dumb at all ....never has been...and never will be either!So they knew alright what would happen to me if I came down here.....and when it started to happen....they turned their backs! Everytime I went to them for help I was turned down! Until the man I was taking care of....who is a quadraplegic....felt he had to do something...so he began to beg for money...so that we might could eat!! As a result I ended up near dead in a hospital here because my blood level had dropped down to a dangerous level of 2.3! They said I was as good as dead the night I was taken to the hospital! After that needing more meds to stay alive was something I had to forget about and hope and pray that God would see me through it.....and He did!! No thanks to my parents though. They refused to even help with one prescription! So I went without ......as usualbut...it was not my time to leave this earth in spite of their total rejection! Then I married Dale!!! Oh they love Dale.....I think they think he has money or something though....it seems that way to me anyways. If they only knew how bad off we really and truly are....they would dislike him as much as my first husband! They only care about those that have money....because it seems they feel better then the rest of the world around them.
Well......maybe someday this will be different....but for now....there is no change in my family. They are as they are....and it matters not if I am suffering. And that is fine I guess.
Can't really go on with this today! It is even more painful when I write these things out for me. So have a good day who ever is reading this....and be thankful for the day...and your life...no matter how bad it may seem....things can worse you know.....so be ever thankful for what things you have. Blessed Be