Sparrow's Nest

Not a good day today....but then not everyday can really be a great and happy time day, now can it? Nope! I have a million things I have to work on here at the house for the shop....things that I know I can only do alone....things that I know I need my space so I feel the freedom of thought to flow....but when I am here at the house alone....freedom of thought seems not to flow properly for some reason. Who knows!.....Who cares?No one really....and once again I find the bottom of the barrel to hide in! So many times I think I am actually coming out of this god forsaken shell that I have lived in all my life....only to find safety back in that shell that I hate so badly! My creative side stops flowing....and bang!!!.....nothing....I can do nothing but sit around and waste yet another day of life.
Is this ever going to end....me feeling like I am less and less of a person?
Well the shop was my dream.....that becomes a nightmare on most occasions! That is really a confusing thing for me. This was something I wanted so badly....but it has gone sour for some reason. I don't know why....I don't understand anymore.
I have a wonderful vision still....but really it is best to keep it in my heart...and never tell a soul! Dale works hard at trying to please me...and he works hard at trying to keep the shop going all of the time. But something is wrong no matter how hard he tries.It's not him....yet he is the one that always gets to hear me complain about things dealing with the shop....but after all we are partners in this....not to speak of the fact married as well!!!I don't want to always put a damper on everything dealing with that shop....but even he does not understand how I am feeling!! It is like I am standing all alone at the edge of a cliff and the footing is coming apart under my feet!! We have some really nice people working with us....but I am not understanding why they seem to know what I speak to Dale only in confidence!! It is really bad enough that I cannot go in when the weather is so hot....due to medical problems with the heat....but for them to tell me that it was me that actually put a damper on things at the shop....that does bother me more then I can express. My heart is in that shop...but nobody really knows that...not even Dale...not even Dale. I see wonderful things for the shop....wonderful ideas that from now on I will never pass along not even to Dale....things that will never happen because I cannot be there enough to really feel a part of the one thing in my life that would have been so perfect. The really sad part of this...is...I want to work at the perfection so badly...I want to make everything go right....and in that sense, everything seems to be going wrong!!
Like I said it is a bad day today for me.....my heart is not even in this writing....and I seem to be pulling away from everything that I really want to do in life. So I end this writing today....with......maybe tomorrow....for after all......."tomorrow is another day......"