Wow....these stretches between Blogging are getting longer and longer!!! Have been very busy though in eBay...listing ......listing....and more listing!!!!! Things sell good in there though...and even though I need to work on my Website...I always seem to tie myself down to eBay!!! Between the listing...the emailing to customers asking question....the decussion boards!!....yes...yes...yes....those are super in ther...and the other things always going on in there...I may have a harder time to get that Website up altogether!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! :D
Well everyone that is not down South....summer is now HERE!!!!
Love it!!! Love it!!!! Love it!!!
Not too crazy about the super heat we have...but hey there is air-conditioning....God's secret plan to keep the Southern Folks happy!!! Man without it down here you would fry!!! Southern Fried!!!
We are now looking into buying a home...sort of sick of dumping all our moneys into renting a home!!!! That really does get sooooooooo soooooooooo OLD!!!! I have always been so picky about houses that it was making it sooooooo hard to find anything....because to me the houses here in Jacksonville Florida are really over-priced!!! I am from Atlanta Georgia...and there you can find some of the most awesome homes for about half what you might pay for them here in this part of Florida!!! No telling what homes cost in the rest of Florida!! Damn I would be afraid to even ask about that one!!! I guess we pay more because we are so close to the beaches......BUT what if you never even go or use the beaches....then what? I wonder if they would consider coming down on the prices here if you could prove you never use the dang beaches!!!!!? Right Carla!!! Now that would be cooooooool !!! But highly unlikely!!!! You pay for those stinking beaches even if you never use them...and I don't....!!! The water is cold and dark!!! Nasty looking to me!!! This is not the Panhandle of Florida where your water is warm like a natural spring....and crystal clear as well!!! The water there is out of this world!! And the sand....oh my Goooood....it is so cool!!!!! Pure White!!! Like Sugar!!! Really out of this planet to be sure!! Well it was a good thought you know....lower price if you never use the beaches....but something that is not ever going to happen....not while I'm alive anyways!!! The next life!!! Just better hope for it in the next lifetime!!! RIGHT!!!!
Well have been watching to see if a friend of mine has been keeping up his Blog....but NO!!! Maybe he has given up on it? Probably has! It would seem a likely thing at that!!! He is the one that got me going on this thing to start with....then he flakes off!!! Dang Him!!!
Guess he doesn't want me to see anymore of those personal little thoughts of his....cool....that is fine with me! But you know.....Some Friend!!!!
He is too busy anyways anymore! He has found a new item that he spends most of his time on now! Oh well...those things do happen you know!
But this one is not really good for him....but how do you tell someone that? I don't know. I have given it my best shot and it matters not to him what I say or think at this point!! So there he goes head-long into something that is all one-sided....knowing full well that there will never be anything come of it...knowing in the end it is going to do nothing but hurt him....but does he consider that fact? NO!!! Do not understand this at all!! I mean why bother when you know there will be an unhappy ending to the whole damn thing?
I want to call him a FOOL....but I just can't....it is all too sad for me!
Well...thought I would write today....will get back in here maybe tomorrow!!!
Will try anyway!!!
Friday, April 18, 2003
Hey....Hey.....Hey....Hey.....another wonderful day.....I mean it is B+E+A+U+T+I+F+U+L !!!!!!! I do believe SUMMER is well on her way!!! Oh thank goodness....I hate the cold weather!!! Of course living in Florida you never really do see the REAL DEAL in the COLD WEATHER department....but it gets cold enough for all of us living down here just the same!!! We are not really prepared for the cold that you all get in the North part of the country or even the cold of the mid-west....but what we do get is cold to us here!! Most of us really never stop wearing shorts....or tees even if it gets cold you know....and in my case....well hell I never stop wearing scandals!!! LOL I guess we sort of try to keep our warm weather alive even in the winter with the sort of clothes we continue to wear throughout the entire year......but hey this is Florida you know!!!
So lets see....I managed to get some sleep last night!!!! HURRAY!!!! Now I feel like taking on the world!!! That is what is so bad about me getting enough sleep!! I end up waking up with this sudden burst of dangerous energy.....so dangerous is it that I could almost clean this entire house in a matter of a few hours!!!! Now that is major dangerous to me!!! Hey I am layed back....have been all my life....and these sudden burst of energy do tend to scare me a bit!!!! My natural way is to move slowly you know.....so as not to age too quickly!!! LOL My normal way of thinking is people do tend to move about too quickly and the result of this is AGE!!!!! They tend to age just as quickly!! These are my secret thoughts....I do not scare them with everyone....well let me rephrase that....I have not scared them with too many people all my life!! For those that I have shared this with tend to laugh about it as though it were silly....but I see these people now and they all look so old to me....so there is something in the way we move about our day....each day!! I don't care who laughs about this...I am the proof that what I am saying now....at the tender age of 55 years old is the truth!!!! Hey folks...I am a Grandmother of 3 Granddaughters....all the most beautiful little girls in the world!!! My son is 30 years old.....and to me he will always be the most handsome guy on earth.....but then you have to remember that he is special to me....he is all I have left...he is my jewel!!!! He reminds me more and more everyday of his Dad....who I have to tell you .....was also very handsome!!! One thing that I am so very thankful for though is that he does not seem to have that terrible temper that his Dad has....and that is a +++++ to me!!!!
He is married to a beautiful girl....or I should say woman....but none the less she is really a looker.....and even though there are times when she doesn't think so...I can tell you from where I stand she is a LOOKER!!! She has really made my son so happy....and I am so thankful for that! I never thought my son would actually marry and have a family of his own....he was such a player....but when he met her his whole world turned upside-down....thank God for that!!! She has really been so good for him.
I guess of all the times of the year...this is the best time to be thankful for what we actually do have in our lives you know. Some think it is Christmas.....some think Thanksgiving....I happen to think Easter is the best time. At least for me it is.
Soooooooooo....I am thankful for my life...it has not been easy....and I am thankful for even those times it has been hard....because those were the times when I seemed to learn the most out of life altogether. Hey wisdom really does come with age my friends....don't let anyone fool you about that!!
I remember all too well my younger years....oh hey....I knew everything there was to know....I was not any different then anyone one else my age!! I was a part of the Hippy Movement....yep...I was right out there.....with the flowers and the love beads that we all managed to string on our own hair.....damn my hair was really long back then!!!! Many things changed in this world during that time.....so many people finding new and enchanted things within this world around us....we were a trip....in more ways then one!!!!
I moved from the Hippy thing into the Craft.....witchcraft....and then from that into the Christian thing.....and landing in a whole new thing of just knowing that Christ was and is real....and being Born Again. Yep....that was how I went through my life! To here where I am....a person that thinks that I have no right to judge another for what they may believe in.....let and let live.....you do your thing and I will do my own!!! As my Grandmother use to say so often to most everyone....."You mind your business and I'll mind mine, if we both mind our own things would sure be fine, but if you mind your's and mind mine too, what the hell am I suppose to do!!!!" She was right about that....let me tell you!!!
I was married for so long the first time....25 years actually....and for all those years I was not really allowed to be out in the world like so many Mom's that work and such....my husband then was not willing to have me out in the world....he wanted me at home with our two boys....taking care of his home and his children...and as much as I feel sometimes that he was all wrong about that...I do have to say that more or less I was very lucky! He took very good care of his family....he was a good provider and a wonderful Father. So there Paul....I know you never go online because for some odd reason you are afraid of the internet....but man if you ever do and you stumble upon my Blog...you are going to read something you really never heard me say before. But the truth is the truth and it will stand forever!!!
Now I am remarried to another very wonderful man....he tries to provide for me.....times though are harder then they use to be....but we manage to make it every month none the less. He is a good man though....he treats me more like a queen then I have ever been treated....and I do think he is wonderful even if I am a bit testy at times!
Then there is this other person that lives here.....of whom I have more or less written about for the past few times. He has been a very special person to me in my life....he was there when I needed support that money just could not buy! I really care a lot for this man.....he is very special to me. The world has been very hard on him....he is a Quadraplegic....but he can do more and more things on his own and he would surprise anyone if they would only give him the chance to get to know him better. I tend to Mother him I guess....I don't want anyone to use him or hurt him....and that is all he has ever had happen in his life...so I do tend to be very protective of him....and right now that one thing is really causing problems in our friendship. But today....with all this wonderful energy flowing through me....I think I will back off...let whatever will be....be....and the cards will fall as they might...but I will be there to catch him if he is knocked down again!! This man is brilliant.....he is sooooo smart.....and yet people tend to see him as being retarded or something damn close to that....and all because he is in a wheelchair!!! How unfair people can be!!! That pisses me off to no end!! You don't tag a person with being retarded simply because they must use a wheelchair!!! That my friends is a NO NO in the biggest way!!!! I am thankful for him being in my life whether he realizes this or not....he was the one who really taught this lady how to use this machine the computer....how to open it up and do whatever needed to be done even on the inside of the dang thing....not to speak of the general knowledge of simply using it properly. Right now he does have a new friend in his life....someone he does care about and she does seem to care somewhat...but you have to keep in mind that because I am so protective of him...I do not tend to accept and believe too fast about any new friends he may find....and it really is only that I fear for him and his well being. But I think I have been a pain enough about all of that to him by now....so it is time to back off and let whatever is going to happen just happen. I only pray that this person is not using him for the moment and then toss him off to one side when she actually gets her own life together at last. I do not want to see him hurt is all.
I am also very thankful for my CAT!!!! Yep!!! You read this right!!! She was gone for 4 whole years...lost....and when I finally gave up looking for her....someone.....my sister who never saw her before in her life but in pictures.....just happened to spot her!!! So I was able to get Ms. Kitty back safe and sound....and today she is just as fat and fluffy as ever.....still running about like a young kitten would....chasing whatever.....me thinks the Faeries that live in this house with us do tend to tease my cat quite a bit.....and she is a whole 14 years old in our years!!! So she too is no spring chicken....but you know with all the sleep these cats tend to get.....their natural beauty rest so to speak.....that they can stay so much younger then we think!!! So for all you cat lovers out there....take care of your cat/cats.....try your darnest not to allow them to go out of doors....that is what is their main killer.....there is just too much out there for them to get into or catch! A safe Cat is an inside Cat....that is the truth!!!
Well I guess I need to get busy....I have so many things to do today in eBay!! Yep.....I am in eBay selling Metaphysical things....there is not really very much of that stuff in eBay...so I am doing pretty good right now. But I am also working on getting a website up....oh shit what a job that is....because I am so damn picky about how things look online!!!! So it may take me another moneth or so to actually get the front door of the site open....but it will be beautiful....that I promise myself when it is completed!!!!
So I leave you with a thought today....something to chew on...something to store in your memory.........
Love is forgiving and for giving.
HAVE A HAPPY DAY TODAY!!!! BLESSING TO YOU ALL.........
So lets see....I managed to get some sleep last night!!!! HURRAY!!!! Now I feel like taking on the world!!! That is what is so bad about me getting enough sleep!! I end up waking up with this sudden burst of dangerous energy.....so dangerous is it that I could almost clean this entire house in a matter of a few hours!!!! Now that is major dangerous to me!!! Hey I am layed back....have been all my life....and these sudden burst of energy do tend to scare me a bit!!!! My natural way is to move slowly you know.....so as not to age too quickly!!! LOL My normal way of thinking is people do tend to move about too quickly and the result of this is AGE!!!!! They tend to age just as quickly!! These are my secret thoughts....I do not scare them with everyone....well let me rephrase that....I have not scared them with too many people all my life!! For those that I have shared this with tend to laugh about it as though it were silly....but I see these people now and they all look so old to me....so there is something in the way we move about our day....each day!! I don't care who laughs about this...I am the proof that what I am saying now....at the tender age of 55 years old is the truth!!!! Hey folks...I am a Grandmother of 3 Granddaughters....all the most beautiful little girls in the world!!! My son is 30 years old.....and to me he will always be the most handsome guy on earth.....but then you have to remember that he is special to me....he is all I have left...he is my jewel!!!! He reminds me more and more everyday of his Dad....who I have to tell you .....was also very handsome!!! One thing that I am so very thankful for though is that he does not seem to have that terrible temper that his Dad has....and that is a +++++ to me!!!!
He is married to a beautiful girl....or I should say woman....but none the less she is really a looker.....and even though there are times when she doesn't think so...I can tell you from where I stand she is a LOOKER!!! She has really made my son so happy....and I am so thankful for that! I never thought my son would actually marry and have a family of his own....he was such a player....but when he met her his whole world turned upside-down....thank God for that!!! She has really been so good for him.
I guess of all the times of the year...this is the best time to be thankful for what we actually do have in our lives you know. Some think it is Christmas.....some think Thanksgiving....I happen to think Easter is the best time. At least for me it is.
Soooooooooo....I am thankful for my life...it has not been easy....and I am thankful for even those times it has been hard....because those were the times when I seemed to learn the most out of life altogether. Hey wisdom really does come with age my friends....don't let anyone fool you about that!!
I remember all too well my younger years....oh hey....I knew everything there was to know....I was not any different then anyone one else my age!! I was a part of the Hippy Movement....yep...I was right out there.....with the flowers and the love beads that we all managed to string on our own hair.....damn my hair was really long back then!!!! Many things changed in this world during that time.....so many people finding new and enchanted things within this world around us....we were a trip....in more ways then one!!!!
I moved from the Hippy thing into the Craft.....witchcraft....and then from that into the Christian thing.....and landing in a whole new thing of just knowing that Christ was and is real....and being Born Again. Yep....that was how I went through my life! To here where I am....a person that thinks that I have no right to judge another for what they may believe in.....let and let live.....you do your thing and I will do my own!!! As my Grandmother use to say so often to most everyone....."You mind your business and I'll mind mine, if we both mind our own things would sure be fine, but if you mind your's and mind mine too, what the hell am I suppose to do!!!!" She was right about that....let me tell you!!!
I was married for so long the first time....25 years actually....and for all those years I was not really allowed to be out in the world like so many Mom's that work and such....my husband then was not willing to have me out in the world....he wanted me at home with our two boys....taking care of his home and his children...and as much as I feel sometimes that he was all wrong about that...I do have to say that more or less I was very lucky! He took very good care of his family....he was a good provider and a wonderful Father. So there Paul....I know you never go online because for some odd reason you are afraid of the internet....but man if you ever do and you stumble upon my Blog...you are going to read something you really never heard me say before. But the truth is the truth and it will stand forever!!!
Now I am remarried to another very wonderful man....he tries to provide for me.....times though are harder then they use to be....but we manage to make it every month none the less. He is a good man though....he treats me more like a queen then I have ever been treated....and I do think he is wonderful even if I am a bit testy at times!
Then there is this other person that lives here.....of whom I have more or less written about for the past few times. He has been a very special person to me in my life....he was there when I needed support that money just could not buy! I really care a lot for this man.....he is very special to me. The world has been very hard on him....he is a Quadraplegic....but he can do more and more things on his own and he would surprise anyone if they would only give him the chance to get to know him better. I tend to Mother him I guess....I don't want anyone to use him or hurt him....and that is all he has ever had happen in his life...so I do tend to be very protective of him....and right now that one thing is really causing problems in our friendship. But today....with all this wonderful energy flowing through me....I think I will back off...let whatever will be....be....and the cards will fall as they might...but I will be there to catch him if he is knocked down again!! This man is brilliant.....he is sooooo smart.....and yet people tend to see him as being retarded or something damn close to that....and all because he is in a wheelchair!!! How unfair people can be!!! That pisses me off to no end!! You don't tag a person with being retarded simply because they must use a wheelchair!!! That my friends is a NO NO in the biggest way!!!! I am thankful for him being in my life whether he realizes this or not....he was the one who really taught this lady how to use this machine the computer....how to open it up and do whatever needed to be done even on the inside of the dang thing....not to speak of the general knowledge of simply using it properly. Right now he does have a new friend in his life....someone he does care about and she does seem to care somewhat...but you have to keep in mind that because I am so protective of him...I do not tend to accept and believe too fast about any new friends he may find....and it really is only that I fear for him and his well being. But I think I have been a pain enough about all of that to him by now....so it is time to back off and let whatever is going to happen just happen. I only pray that this person is not using him for the moment and then toss him off to one side when she actually gets her own life together at last. I do not want to see him hurt is all.
I am also very thankful for my CAT!!!! Yep!!! You read this right!!! She was gone for 4 whole years...lost....and when I finally gave up looking for her....someone.....my sister who never saw her before in her life but in pictures.....just happened to spot her!!! So I was able to get Ms. Kitty back safe and sound....and today she is just as fat and fluffy as ever.....still running about like a young kitten would....chasing whatever.....me thinks the Faeries that live in this house with us do tend to tease my cat quite a bit.....and she is a whole 14 years old in our years!!! So she too is no spring chicken....but you know with all the sleep these cats tend to get.....their natural beauty rest so to speak.....that they can stay so much younger then we think!!! So for all you cat lovers out there....take care of your cat/cats.....try your darnest not to allow them to go out of doors....that is what is their main killer.....there is just too much out there for them to get into or catch! A safe Cat is an inside Cat....that is the truth!!!
Well I guess I need to get busy....I have so many things to do today in eBay!! Yep.....I am in eBay selling Metaphysical things....there is not really very much of that stuff in eBay...so I am doing pretty good right now. But I am also working on getting a website up....oh shit what a job that is....because I am so damn picky about how things look online!!!! So it may take me another moneth or so to actually get the front door of the site open....but it will be beautiful....that I promise myself when it is completed!!!!
So I leave you with a thought today....something to chew on...something to store in your memory.........
Love is forgiving and for giving.
HAVE A HAPPY DAY TODAY!!!! BLESSING TO YOU ALL.........
Thursday, April 17, 2003
Wow...it is a beautiful day outside today....the sun is shining....and I know it has to be warmer then warm out there...I can feel it through the window!!! Wow...this is really nice!!! I love it!! For having no SLEEP at all...I am in a chipper mood !!! What gives!!!!!?? Maybe today will prove to be productive afterall!!! We never know do we? I am finding I really never know!! LOL
As for all the little things that have been bothering me so much lately...I think I am at last getting over all of them~~!! Yep!!! Sometimes things hurt us and we really cannot figure them out...but even though they did...we do get over them in time!! I think I am finally there at long last! I don't realy need to be bothered with those things that were upsetting me....they are only things from my past that somehow got shot into this present day....and they need to go back to where they belong...in the PAST!!!
I think I worry too much about people I care about...when all of the time...they give 2 shits about me!!! One of these days I will learn to let everything stay where they belong...and not touch them or let them get all meshed into my present day life!! They do not belong here.
Well ole friend....I think I worried about you long enough....yep....that was what it was!! Didn't want to see you get hurt....din't want to see someone use you.....but it was all a waste of my time worrying about that!!! You are not about to listen....you are all about doing whatever you want....and damn the person that gets in your way!! That is what I see!! Well just so you know...and God I hope you take the time to check my Blog....because I want you to know that from today onward....I am no longer going to voice any of my thoughts about just what you are up to!! Do what you will....be careless....be silly....be used....there is not a soul on the face of the earth that you would listen to anyway....not now....and that is too bad....but hey...we all have to have some bad things happen to really see where the good things are in our lives! Right? Right!
One thing though you got to know from me....don't ever think I am in the dark about things and how they work! And when it comes to you ole' friend...I know how you work!! Yep!!! I see you going through sort of the same motions that I have seen before!! Gee.......I wonder where I have seen these motions before?? LOL Well hey....I try to protect you...you know....but I know now that you do not see it that way...so hey...all I know to tell you...is go on head long intothis thing.....give it your all and all...and if it does not turn out the way you think it might...oh well...somebody did try to warn you....but you were not willing to even hear what that somebody was trying to say...!! Nope! Instead you took everything the wrong way....(as I really should have expected)....and you know now, I really don't care what happens to you as far as this whole thing goes! Sorry! You bite the hand that cares....and carefor the hand that will bite you in the end!!! So mote it be my ole' friend!! So mote it be!
Well this day is mine ole' friend....today I wake up!!! Today I have open eyes!! Today I am totally free!! What does that mean to you? You figure it out!! You seem to know all about women and what makes them tick!! So you figure this one out!!! And hey!! Good fucking luck because you are going to be needing all the luck you can get to figure it out...and when you do....look out!!! What a bubble it is going to burst for you!!! But that is life ole' friend!! We women do have a sense of pride....and even though I am old and ugly to you ....I too have pride!! As you will soon feel! But that is okay. You won't bother to notice it anyway....just like you notice nothing else!! But I am finished feeling sorry for you about what is coming down the road....I am finished sticking my neck out to say a word!!! You go find out yourself....and when you do...don't bother me with the problems...I DO NOT even want to know about them at all!!
By the way....I have something for you today...so I do hope you read this Blog!!! I don't really want you to have to spend money on something that you really cannot afford....and I do get the feeling that you are about to do just that! So before you do...I do hope you consider taking this GOLD CHAIN that was so precious to me....instaed of going and buying another one. That is not a wise move at this time anyways you know. It is really really too soon!! But I want you to know that you would not have asked me to weigh my chain for no reason at all!!! I am on to you ole' friend!! You are up to buying another chain for another person. Well I think that is ducky!!! I really do!! But if I were you...and of course you are not going to listen again....I would wait until Ms. Michele spends a little more time with you then she is willing to cut off right now. I mean there are 24 hours in a day....7 days a week....and what does she afford for you.....WOW....30 minutes in the late evening...hiding around the side of Blockbusters drinking a coke or whatever...and only on her break....and only on those days she is working at WinnDixie!!! What about all the other hours in the day? Where is she then? What is she doing for you? You tell me? Nothing!!! Not a damn thing!!! So if you are plannig to buy her a gold chain the way you did for me...you might consider the difference in the two of us!!! I mean really!! So I suggest that you take my chain....and give it to her...as I won't be needing it any longer....the man who gave it to me is gone...he fanished into thin air!!
Yep he is gone totally now....and he was such a nice person to know!! Too bad!! The really nice people have to fanish so easily...or so itseems to me!! He was not the sort that anyone could ever call shallow...only looking at the surface...you know a Shallow Hal sort of fellow!!! But you on the otherhand...well I hate to tell you this...but you are just that way indeed!! Everything is how a woman looks....you don't really care about what is in the inside...not really...not anymore!! Once upon a time you knew about loving from the inside out....but those days are no more for you ole' friend!! I have been truly watching you and I see the change...and it is sad....but true....you are not the person I use to know...not anymore.
Oh I will always be your friend....there is no question about that...but as far as me worrying about what is going to hit you down the road in time....well I am finished worrying is all. I guess it is time for you to get the big shaft...I don't really know anymore. But I do think you are on the verge of getting just that. So rather then spend your money...I have already removed this chain that you once gave to me....I have polished it all up nice and pretty and placed it in a box for you to give away to another. Yes...it meant alot to me...we were special then....we are special now...well were until today....special friends....true friends....but today I woke up....and I smelled the coffee....and I see that all I have become to you is a pain in your ass...so I am out of your way completely now.....from this writing forward! And if you do not take this chain to give to her...then I will simply place it in my drawer....along with other precious memories....because that is all that it means to me now. I am only trying to save you money...not make you mad. But if mad is whatyou get out of this, well there is nothing I can do about that either! Nor to I care to!
Let me tell you a little story okay?
There was once a person that made me feel like a queen....he treated me with all the kindness of his heart. So much so...that even when he deeply hurt me, I was compelled to help him when he needed me....but I knew in my heart that we shared something very special. Then one day he really hurt me...and he had to go away and leave me here alone....there was no choice in that matter...for the law had stated this to me. So he went away....way far away....all the way back home. I was left to fend for myself....I had nothing....no money....no food....no place to work really...only with my sister who tool her time in paying me reguardless of the fact that I was not eating one tenth of what a normal human being should be eating each day. I had to take a stranger into my apartment just to help pay the rent. This man that went away...had given me so many beautiful things....making me think I was so special to him....one of the first things was this beautiful gold chain...that I have never taken off until today....8 years or more later. Now I am married...and this man is back living here in this house with us....I still care alot about him....because I remember all the very special things he did. Then suddenly I see him doing the very same thing all over again...but for another! So you see....the bottom line is ....I really wasn't SO special at all. Nope. I was just another person.
So you see this story of mine is why I feel sometimes so depressed about what I see now. And also what I read!!!! Such as....and I quote........."I fall asleep thinking of her, I wake up thinking of her.... Good job Chuck.... You understand what I've actually managed to do here don't you ? You see with my incredible obtuseness I've taken a simple situation that very likely could have turned into a lastintg friendship, and with a great deal of style and finess turned it into something unmanagable which I'm not shure if she'll understand but then again Michelle has a ton of emotions that she is scared to let go of"...."Went up too the Dix tonight to spend some of my vast fortune, Got to talk too Michelle for a while outside, something l would'nt mind happening a bit more--well--a lot more often, l guess she has gone through a lot of the same garbage l've had to stumble or should l say roll through..."....."A man or woman is fortunate if they are able to find the genuine article once or twice in their entire lifetime.... For lack of a better term I will refer to this most precious comodity as [Soul Love]
Agape or unconditional love is a special attribute of God, this is the truest form of love known to exist.... I do believe though that God
has given all of us the ability to love at least one person uncoditionally ln our lifetimes, if you have the real thing you have a difficult time controlling the flood of emotions that you were unaware of posessing"......"l had temporaraly forgotten about the wicked decietfulness of 97 percent of your average women's souls, a soul that is filled with so much blackness, treachory, venum and pure hatered for men...."......"Someone once said to me [When I came to realize that those people did not live or love at
the same level of honesty or integrity that I have come to. Maybe the same
has been true for you. It may not be you who is the loser, & what you've
lost may not have been truly worthy of your care - or they wouldn't have
pulled that kind of BS in the first place. Sometimes, the goodness that we
see in others doesn't actually belong to them, but is instead rooted in
ourselves. I paid an outrageous price to learn this... Second, never,
never put yourself out there as a loser.".......! So you tell me what does this all mean?
I think I understand....and today I remove myself from being in your way!! One thing though....I will never forget
you....not today....not tomorrow....not ever...and that you can bank on!
"
As for all the little things that have been bothering me so much lately...I think I am at last getting over all of them~~!! Yep!!! Sometimes things hurt us and we really cannot figure them out...but even though they did...we do get over them in time!! I think I am finally there at long last! I don't realy need to be bothered with those things that were upsetting me....they are only things from my past that somehow got shot into this present day....and they need to go back to where they belong...in the PAST!!!
I think I worry too much about people I care about...when all of the time...they give 2 shits about me!!! One of these days I will learn to let everything stay where they belong...and not touch them or let them get all meshed into my present day life!! They do not belong here.
Well ole friend....I think I worried about you long enough....yep....that was what it was!! Didn't want to see you get hurt....din't want to see someone use you.....but it was all a waste of my time worrying about that!!! You are not about to listen....you are all about doing whatever you want....and damn the person that gets in your way!! That is what I see!! Well just so you know...and God I hope you take the time to check my Blog....because I want you to know that from today onward....I am no longer going to voice any of my thoughts about just what you are up to!! Do what you will....be careless....be silly....be used....there is not a soul on the face of the earth that you would listen to anyway....not now....and that is too bad....but hey...we all have to have some bad things happen to really see where the good things are in our lives! Right? Right!
One thing though you got to know from me....don't ever think I am in the dark about things and how they work! And when it comes to you ole' friend...I know how you work!! Yep!!! I see you going through sort of the same motions that I have seen before!! Gee.......I wonder where I have seen these motions before?? LOL Well hey....I try to protect you...you know....but I know now that you do not see it that way...so hey...all I know to tell you...is go on head long intothis thing.....give it your all and all...and if it does not turn out the way you think it might...oh well...somebody did try to warn you....but you were not willing to even hear what that somebody was trying to say...!! Nope! Instead you took everything the wrong way....(as I really should have expected)....and you know now, I really don't care what happens to you as far as this whole thing goes! Sorry! You bite the hand that cares....and carefor the hand that will bite you in the end!!! So mote it be my ole' friend!! So mote it be!
Well this day is mine ole' friend....today I wake up!!! Today I have open eyes!! Today I am totally free!! What does that mean to you? You figure it out!! You seem to know all about women and what makes them tick!! So you figure this one out!!! And hey!! Good fucking luck because you are going to be needing all the luck you can get to figure it out...and when you do....look out!!! What a bubble it is going to burst for you!!! But that is life ole' friend!! We women do have a sense of pride....and even though I am old and ugly to you ....I too have pride!! As you will soon feel! But that is okay. You won't bother to notice it anyway....just like you notice nothing else!! But I am finished feeling sorry for you about what is coming down the road....I am finished sticking my neck out to say a word!!! You go find out yourself....and when you do...don't bother me with the problems...I DO NOT even want to know about them at all!!
By the way....I have something for you today...so I do hope you read this Blog!!! I don't really want you to have to spend money on something that you really cannot afford....and I do get the feeling that you are about to do just that! So before you do...I do hope you consider taking this GOLD CHAIN that was so precious to me....instaed of going and buying another one. That is not a wise move at this time anyways you know. It is really really too soon!! But I want you to know that you would not have asked me to weigh my chain for no reason at all!!! I am on to you ole' friend!! You are up to buying another chain for another person. Well I think that is ducky!!! I really do!! But if I were you...and of course you are not going to listen again....I would wait until Ms. Michele spends a little more time with you then she is willing to cut off right now. I mean there are 24 hours in a day....7 days a week....and what does she afford for you.....WOW....30 minutes in the late evening...hiding around the side of Blockbusters drinking a coke or whatever...and only on her break....and only on those days she is working at WinnDixie!!! What about all the other hours in the day? Where is she then? What is she doing for you? You tell me? Nothing!!! Not a damn thing!!! So if you are plannig to buy her a gold chain the way you did for me...you might consider the difference in the two of us!!! I mean really!! So I suggest that you take my chain....and give it to her...as I won't be needing it any longer....the man who gave it to me is gone...he fanished into thin air!!
Yep he is gone totally now....and he was such a nice person to know!! Too bad!! The really nice people have to fanish so easily...or so itseems to me!! He was not the sort that anyone could ever call shallow...only looking at the surface...you know a Shallow Hal sort of fellow!!! But you on the otherhand...well I hate to tell you this...but you are just that way indeed!! Everything is how a woman looks....you don't really care about what is in the inside...not really...not anymore!! Once upon a time you knew about loving from the inside out....but those days are no more for you ole' friend!! I have been truly watching you and I see the change...and it is sad....but true....you are not the person I use to know...not anymore.
Oh I will always be your friend....there is no question about that...but as far as me worrying about what is going to hit you down the road in time....well I am finished worrying is all. I guess it is time for you to get the big shaft...I don't really know anymore. But I do think you are on the verge of getting just that. So rather then spend your money...I have already removed this chain that you once gave to me....I have polished it all up nice and pretty and placed it in a box for you to give away to another. Yes...it meant alot to me...we were special then....we are special now...well were until today....special friends....true friends....but today I woke up....and I smelled the coffee....and I see that all I have become to you is a pain in your ass...so I am out of your way completely now.....from this writing forward! And if you do not take this chain to give to her...then I will simply place it in my drawer....along with other precious memories....because that is all that it means to me now. I am only trying to save you money...not make you mad. But if mad is whatyou get out of this, well there is nothing I can do about that either! Nor to I care to!
Let me tell you a little story okay?
There was once a person that made me feel like a queen....he treated me with all the kindness of his heart. So much so...that even when he deeply hurt me, I was compelled to help him when he needed me....but I knew in my heart that we shared something very special. Then one day he really hurt me...and he had to go away and leave me here alone....there was no choice in that matter...for the law had stated this to me. So he went away....way far away....all the way back home. I was left to fend for myself....I had nothing....no money....no food....no place to work really...only with my sister who tool her time in paying me reguardless of the fact that I was not eating one tenth of what a normal human being should be eating each day. I had to take a stranger into my apartment just to help pay the rent. This man that went away...had given me so many beautiful things....making me think I was so special to him....one of the first things was this beautiful gold chain...that I have never taken off until today....8 years or more later. Now I am married...and this man is back living here in this house with us....I still care alot about him....because I remember all the very special things he did. Then suddenly I see him doing the very same thing all over again...but for another! So you see....the bottom line is ....I really wasn't SO special at all. Nope. I was just another person.
So you see this story of mine is why I feel sometimes so depressed about what I see now. And also what I read!!!! Such as....and I quote........."I fall asleep thinking of her, I wake up thinking of her.... Good job Chuck.... You understand what I've actually managed to do here don't you ? You see with my incredible obtuseness I've taken a simple situation that very likely could have turned into a lastintg friendship, and with a great deal of style and finess turned it into something unmanagable which I'm not shure if she'll understand but then again Michelle has a ton of emotions that she is scared to let go of"...."Went up too the Dix tonight to spend some of my vast fortune, Got to talk too Michelle for a while outside, something l would'nt mind happening a bit more--well--a lot more often, l guess she has gone through a lot of the same garbage l've had to stumble or should l say roll through..."....."A man or woman is fortunate if they are able to find the genuine article once or twice in their entire lifetime.... For lack of a better term I will refer to this most precious comodity as [Soul Love]
Agape or unconditional love is a special attribute of God, this is the truest form of love known to exist.... I do believe though that God
has given all of us the ability to love at least one person uncoditionally ln our lifetimes, if you have the real thing you have a difficult time controlling the flood of emotions that you were unaware of posessing"......"l had temporaraly forgotten about the wicked decietfulness of 97 percent of your average women's souls, a soul that is filled with so much blackness, treachory, venum and pure hatered for men...."......"Someone once said to me [When I came to realize that those people did not live or love at
the same level of honesty or integrity that I have come to. Maybe the same
has been true for you. It may not be you who is the loser, & what you've
lost may not have been truly worthy of your care - or they wouldn't have
pulled that kind of BS in the first place. Sometimes, the goodness that we
see in others doesn't actually belong to them, but is instead rooted in
ourselves. I paid an outrageous price to learn this... Second, never,
never put yourself out there as a loser.".......! So you tell me what does this all mean?
I think I understand....and today I remove myself from being in your way!! One thing though....I will never forget
you....not today....not tomorrow....not ever...and that you can bank on!
"
Sunday, April 13, 2003
Well another day has come and this damn Blog is still giving me troubles!!! I don't understand it!! I know they are wanting everyone who uses this thing to pay maybe?? You think?? I bet that is the problem!!! I mean what else could it be!! But still it is said to be FREE !! RIGHT!!! FREE as long as you don't ever use it!!!
Well by the time this thing actually gets it loaded I am long GONE!!!! Am not believing just how slow it loads....and I am on CABLE no less!!! Right $50.00 a month for high speed Cable network service and what do you get in here.....slow as shit loading no matter what you are using!!!
Oh well.......guess I can have a gripe for the day right!
This is it!!! My GRIPE of the DAY!!!!! Blog is TOO fucking slow!!! And if you don't like that....well you know what you can do right? I don't have to be really rude and tell you at all!!! So hey...go do it!!!
We are heading for Easter now!!! Isn't that just Hoppy News!!! Be watching for your local Easter Bunny to be coming down the Bunny Trail nearest your home!!! Or should we say...your local WALMART!!!! LOL
Notice all the crap they always supply for every holiday!!! So to stay in tune with this upcoming Holiday....lets do this in a Easter Bunny color!!!! Hey Cool!!! This is pretty!!!!
Just thought it would add some happy music to this all too boring gray type!!!!
Well hey can't blame a person for trying to spice up things around here...that is if this Post is ever going to make it to the Publish end....which at this rate looks GRIM!!!!! But hey I am trying here.....it is the Blog layout that is not going to let me have any fun I guess!!! Oh well....I am trying...shortly though to give up on this whole idea!!!!
See what did I say......have already given the idea up!!!!
So much for today in here....don't like wasting good time if this thing is not going to even work properly!!!
Later Folks!!!! Have a Great Day...........
Well by the time this thing actually gets it loaded I am long GONE!!!! Am not believing just how slow it loads....and I am on CABLE no less!!! Right $50.00 a month for high speed Cable network service and what do you get in here.....slow as shit loading no matter what you are using!!!
Oh well.......guess I can have a gripe for the day right!
This is it!!! My GRIPE of the DAY!!!!! Blog is TOO fucking slow!!! And if you don't like that....well you know what you can do right? I don't have to be really rude and tell you at all!!! So hey...go do it!!!
We are heading for Easter now!!! Isn't that just Hoppy News!!! Be watching for your local Easter Bunny to be coming down the Bunny Trail nearest your home!!! Or should we say...your local WALMART!!!! LOL
Notice all the crap they always supply for every holiday!!! So to stay in tune with this upcoming Holiday....lets do this in a Easter Bunny color!!!! Hey Cool!!! This is pretty!!!!
Just thought it would add some happy music to this all too boring gray type!!!!
Well hey can't blame a person for trying to spice up things around here...that is if this Post is ever going to make it to the Publish end....which at this rate looks GRIM!!!!! But hey I am trying here.....it is the Blog layout that is not going to let me have any fun I guess!!! Oh well....I am trying...shortly though to give up on this whole idea!!!!
See what did I say......have already given the idea up!!!!
So much for today in here....don't like wasting good time if this thing is not going to even work properly!!!
Later Folks!!!! Have a Great Day...........
Well now....life is funny....sometimes we think things are going bad and they really aren't!! Call it our human lows....don't know what else to call it!! LOL Not really wanting to admit thing to ourselves is something that we all fall into I think. I know it happens to me alot...and here lately it has been happening almost every SINGLE day!!! Do I hate it?? Oh yes.....damn skippy!!! Someone I once knew .....don't remember the name or the face...but someone I use to know would say that all the time and oh GOD how I would hate to hear it coming out of that person's mouth!!! But the fact is...it does fit...this life...this time....this whole thing I am living...whatever it is...whatever you would call it!!! At times I do want to call it a total nightmare....because everything....and damn I do mean everything....is so upside down!!! The biggest thill in life to me anymore is the INTERNET!!!! I mean to tell you ....that is a damn shame!! But like it or not...it is the truth right about now!! I have tried to figure out why my life seems to be continuing on a downhill slide...but shit....there is no answer to this whole thing....not that I can find anyway!! I use to know another person in my life that would simply tell me not to try to figure anything out because I was a woman and all women are totally stupid!! Why this person always felt sooooo strongly about this....shit if I know....only know one thing...I was told this for a long part of my life!!! I was married to the person that said this all of the time. Looking back over this life of mine...I can see though where I have made some pretty fucking stupid moves!!! No kidding!!! Sooooooo....it may just be that that person was right...at least about this person writing in this Blog!!! I am not your smartest person by a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong shot!!! I have really been very stupid about way too many things in my life and I do know this now......but NOW is too late to change those stupid moves!!! It is a crying shame that we can't do as we do to our computers...you know....RESTORE!!!! GOD how I wish attimes I could just pull a RESTORE on myself!! Guess we just have to live with our damn stupid mistakes we have made and learn to do the best we can from whatever point we may be at in life! But you know....when you are 55 and not getting any younger....it fucking hurts to know that you have screwed up your life and can't change it at all. Anyways Dude......I got something to say to you again.........hey .....I am sorry for being so upset with you!! You have been a very close friend to me for over the past 8 years....and I would die if our friendship ever ended. So I am wanting you to know right here and now....that I will always care about you....always....you have been too close to me for me to feel otherwise. We have really been through some rough times...you and I....and we have always come out of whatever is bad...still super close....and you know as well as me...I don't want that to change. I want for you to be happy....that is all....and I don't want anyone to drag you on and then when they get done using you for whatever....toss you aside like a dirty tissue! Somehow I do feel that that is in the near future for you and Fred....(yes I know her name....but for here we can use the name of Fred...I do think that is better then the real name you know...I mean for here in the Blog because you and I know who we are talking about but the world does not).....there are just too many things that point to that general direction...and for some reason I see you getting yourself very hurt from this whole thing. Now I know it is none of my business really...and I know you maybe don't want to hear this coming out of me....but I can't help it Dude! Do you know what I am saying? The life she is going into will not be able to contain you Dude....and when that happens....no one butyou will be hurt. She is only trying to better her life...and honestly....I do understand her point in this....but I really don't see that there will be room for you in that life. This is just something I see...I could be wrong....but I don't think so really...not this time. Remember I too am a woman...and we all pretty much really do think alot alike no matter what the world may try to tell you. She is single and has a child...so really what does she now need in her life more then anything else? A MAN! But not just any man mind you....a man that can support her and her child....and keeping in mind that this child is going to need medical care as the years roll by....she is going to have to be with a man that can afford this sort of thing. I am not speaking badly of her...I want you to understand this. I just where she is at, at her age and single and with a child...that is all. She is only trying to survive is all...and I don't blame her one bit. It is not easy being a single Mom you know? She is only trying to get her life to where things are not always so hard on her and her son. You though probably don't see all of what I am seeing....because you are being blinded by this deep caring that you have managed to finally feel again for a woman. You know...I am really so sorry that I let you down the way I did....but do you see that someday she too, will be saying the very same thing to you. I wish though for you that it would not end up this way...really I do. You are such a super person really...you deserve so much more and because of the way things are....you try to always be so good to everyone...but there is always something standing in the way....yes I do know what it is...but all I am saying...is it should not be this way at all. Whatever happened to "unconditional love"? Good question hey? This world needs a good jolt of something...but I have not put my finger on exactly what yet!!! But when I discover what it is I will make damn sure I put it here so others can see it!!! There are just TOO MANY things that NEED to be changed!!! I am talking about people and the way they are now....TODAY...in this world!!! Everything is so shallow!!! No one can see past their own noses really!! Everything is surface!! We look at another person...and hey, if they are not perfect....to what our own tiny minds think to be perfect.....then we can not accept that unperfect person in our lives!!! Because don't you know whatever may be imperfect in that other person may just jump right on off of them and get all the fuck over us!!! And because of this....we go through life never trusting not one single person...because there is no such thing as a person that is perfect!! No one is perfect!!! Hey if we could be perfect then what would we need a God for? Do you see where I am coming from here? Perfection is only with God! There is none other that can be perfect...not here....not in this life!! But yet we all strive for perfection!!! What a total waste of time! Those looking for that perfect mate are wasting their time even more! To those I say....if you yourself cannot be perfect....how in the hell are you ever hoping to find a mate that is perfect? And how do we really judge perfect in another? Well that is simple.........!!! Look at their outside! Is it perfect? If not .....hey move on to another!! Yes we judge people on their outer selves first....and many never even take the time to know the real person inside! It is really very sad that our world is like this....but it is and we all have to live here!! I remember when I got married the first time...I was so green to how the world really was...and looking back now...I am so happy that I was. We were happy for a long time really...and I never thought about anything past my husband and my sons and our home. Those were the most important things in my life....they WERE my LIFE!!!! If he wasn't making a ton of money that mattered not to me...I was in love. I was happy just being with him....just having him near me. Even those months of the year that we struggled along....him out of work because the construction industry is slow in the winter time....and yes our Christmas was slim....but who cared....we had each other and was all that really mattered in life. We both knew that each of us would be there for the other no matter what. Nothing else mattered. We had our fights....and now when I look back on them...I laugh...even though we are not together anymore. I do think that our youngest son's death at the age of 13 years old had a lot to do with our live together ending as it did. We both silently blamed each other for his death...when actually it was not either of our faults. We tried to bring our boys up the right way....and we did take care of them as best we could. Christopher's death was not our fault...not at all. We could not control how other people live, nor could we control what things they kept around their homes either. Chris was shot in the face by his 10 year old playmate...there were guns in that house....that day anyway.....but from all I understand about it....that was the only time there was guns around....and the Mother who was a single Mother at that time.....did not know about the guns even being there...but they were placed in the sons closet by his own Dad who had stopped by to drop them off and no one was around to see what he was doing. I do think that he intended for his son to shoot his x-wife....because she was going to be moving in about a week and of course taking her son with her. So I don't even blame the boy for what happened...it was just something that happened and it was not intended to kill anyone.....not by the boys thinking. And too......I do keep in mind...that God does know all things...even the hour of our death. It was time for Chris to go home....and there is no other way to see it. It was out of all of our hands. But after this happened in our little lives...everything began to change!!! EVERYTHING!!! So it goes that those things that we never think can happen in our lives......DO HAPPEN......and when they do...we are no more prepared for it then a new born baby is prepared for birth! Live changes too fast from the moment we are born to the moment we die! That is a fact!! But we of course don't remember the massive change when we were born....from the comfort of our Mother's womb to suddenly having to actually breathe on our own and in a world that even at that moment feels all too cold!! As the years pass by and we grow....we tend to forget the comfort of where we once were....and grow so accustomed to this world we are now in. Growing up is about the same really for everyone....we all go through our little changes from a child to a teen!! Most of us DO marry and have a family....and grow even more comfortable in that new invirement. And it use to be that many stayed that way....married and happy until they died....but not anymore. This world today is too different...and all too many that marry do end up in divorce court...some far sooner then the rest. I was married for 24 years the first time around...and I was very comfortable! We lived together a year before we ever got married...so all together I was with that same person for 25 years out of my life. I never dreamed that I would not be married to him when we both grew old! But like I said....the death of our youngest son, I do believe, opened the door for something completely new to the both of us....a pattern developed....a pattern of distrust. And without our really knowing or seeing it coming ....each day we began to grow further and further apart....until it was over...after being together all those years....it was over just like that....a love so depended upon over....turned off like turning off the water!!! And there I was thinking I was fighting for my life...thinking I had to leave the only real home I had ever known because suddenly I was so afraid of the only man I loved. My entire family....who never took any time to even call me to say hi through all my married life with this man....suddenly was calling me all the time....everyday...advising me to leave and leave as soon as possible because staying in my home even another day might mean my life!!! That was all I was hearing from them over and over again!! So I decided inside myself to leave....I drew a line between me and him....a line that could never be crossed over again by either one of us....a line that brought on a whole new attitude against the only man I ever loved. We never had such contension against one another before....but it seemed as though my allowing my family to influence me was causing a whole new thing within that house....a whole new thing that I really did not even understand at the time...but was too afraid to turn back due to all the warnings of my own Father and Mother....and sisters. So in a sense...I was now looking at things that I never looked at before....things that I never bothered to see at all....and looking for faults in a person that I never looked for before. I didn't care what was on the inside at that time any more.......I was only able to see what I was being told by others.....and I might add here....that those others never saw anything good anyway in this person from day one....but that didn't matter....I wanted my parents to love me....this has always been something in my life that has been a very hard thing for me to obtain....I am the black sheep...the first born....and the unwanted daughter....but suddenly I was getting so much attention...and I wanted them to love me and take me as I was...something they would never do, but suddenly it seemed as though they were. The KEY word here though is "SEEMED"!!!!! That was all it was! THey did not care at all about me still....but I was too blind to even see this at that time. So I moved away.....down to where my family was....and here I am still....and have I gained one thing for doing this deed?? NO!! THey still even though living right up the street from me at this very time....do not have anything to do with me! They got me down here...they helped to destroy the only life I knew....but that was all they did!! The rest from that point on is no different then it ever was for me....they still do not even take the time to talk to me....and when I force myself upon them.....you can see how bothered they are by just even being around me!!! So I ask myself why? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I allow them to have any influence at all over me? Why? And to this day.....8 years later...I still do not know the answer to that!!! And they did not like you Dude......you already know this!! They did not try to hide that from you! We both knew this. And I always have since I came down here wondered why they did not like you too!! Because you were broken was what you use to say to me....but I think it was more that they could see that I was trusting you....and we were close....we could spend hours and hours just talking...and that did not sit right with them! They were looking more for me to be all alone...I guess they thought if they got me down here away from the person I had spent all those years with that they might be able to control my life as well....but that was not happening and they really resented that for certain! There you were....just another someone else in the way! But in spite of all their effort to drive you away and single me out to a life all alone....it never happened that way....and they got even colder towards me. They did not want me to even have one friend that I could trust. All of their work was in vain......and we have remained friends all these years.....in spite of them! So I watch out for you still Dude....you were there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...you were always there. When I was sick you were there to help me through....when I was hungry you managed to find me food....even in those days when there was no money and you went out to the street to beg so we might have money to eat....you were there for me....and I will never forget that. Yes....I care about you Dude...and I will always care....so that is why I worry about this little thing you are trying so hard to get started with this Fred. I don't want to see anyone hurt you...and somehow I see it coming down the road....and I cannot understand how you cannot see it. But love is blind...or so they say...and I do think whoever said that knew what he was talking about. When we love another...we tend not to see their faults you know? Yes you do know this. I know you do. So I am writing this blog to say I am with you....and I hope it all turns out the way you want it too....but if it doesn't and it somehow falls apart....take it with a grain of salt....and go on....move forward....don't let it destroy your wonderful nature. You are special...you really are....and I guess I tend to try to protect you from what I might see coming down the road....that is all I am really doing....or was trying to do. You have been hurt too many times too in the past....and I don't want to see it happen again. So protect your heart. Tread lightly into whatever you are trying to do....and remember always....that if it doesn't work out....it was never meant to be in the first place. Remember too....we are a family and we will always be here....for you.
Get one good Blog going and then what....you can't get the damn thing to publish~!!
Get one good Blog going and then what....you can't get the damn thing to publish~!!
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