Sparrow's Nest

Well now....life is funny....sometimes we think things are going bad and they really aren't!! Call it our human lows....don't know what else to call it!! LOL Not really wanting to admit thing to ourselves is something that we all fall into I think. I know it happens to me alot...and here lately it has been happening almost every SINGLE day!!! Do I hate it?? Oh yes.....damn skippy!!! Someone I once knew .....don't remember the name or the face...but someone I use to know would say that all the time and oh GOD how I would hate to hear it coming out of that person's mouth!!! But the fact is...it does fit...this life...this time....this whole thing I am living...whatever it is...whatever you would call it!!! At times I do want to call it a total nightmare....because everything....and damn I do mean everything....is so upside down!!! The biggest thill in life to me anymore is the INTERNET!!!! I mean to tell you ....that is a damn shame!! But like it or not...it is the truth right about now!! I have tried to figure out why my life seems to be continuing on a downhill slide...but shit....there is no answer to this whole thing....not that I can find anyway!! I use to know another person in my life that would simply tell me not to try to figure anything out because I was a woman and all women are totally stupid!! Why this person always felt sooooo strongly about this....shit if I know....only know one thing...I was told this for a long part of my life!!! I was married to the person that said this all of the time. Looking back over this life of mine...I can see though where I have made some pretty fucking stupid moves!!! No kidding!!! Sooooooo....it may just be that that person was right...at least about this person writing in this Blog!!! I am not your smartest person by a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong shot!!! I have really been very stupid about way too many things in my life and I do know this now......but NOW is too late to change those stupid moves!!! It is a crying shame that we can't do as we do to our computers...you know....RESTORE!!!! GOD how I wish attimes I could just pull a RESTORE on myself!! Guess we just have to live with our damn stupid mistakes we have made and learn to do the best we can from whatever point we may be at in life! But you know....when you are 55 and not getting any younger....it fucking hurts to know that you have screwed up your life and can't change it at all. Anyways Dude......I got something to say to you again.........hey .....I am sorry for being so upset with you!! You have been a very close friend to me for over the past 8 years....and I would die if our friendship ever ended. So I am wanting you to know right here and now....that I will always care about you....always....you have been too close to me for me to feel otherwise. We have really been through some rough times...you and I....and we have always come out of whatever is bad...still super close....and you know as well as me...I don't want that to change. I want for you to be happy....that is all....and I don't want anyone to drag you on and then when they get done using you for whatever....toss you aside like a dirty tissue! Somehow I do feel that that is in the near future for you and Fred....(yes I know her name....but for here we can use the name of Fred...I do think that is better then the real name you know...I mean for here in the Blog because you and I know who we are talking about but the world does not).....there are just too many things that point to that general direction...and for some reason I see you getting yourself very hurt from this whole thing. Now I know it is none of my business really...and I know you maybe don't want to hear this coming out of me....but I can't help it Dude! Do you know what I am saying? The life she is going into will not be able to contain you Dude....and when that happens....no one butyou will be hurt. She is only trying to better her life...and honestly....I do understand her point in this....but I really don't see that there will be room for you in that life. This is just something I see...I could be wrong....but I don't think so really...not this time. Remember I too am a woman...and we all pretty much really do think alot alike no matter what the world may try to tell you. She is single and has a child...so really what does she now need in her life more then anything else? A MAN! But not just any man mind you....a man that can support her and her child....and keeping in mind that this child is going to need medical care as the years roll by....she is going to have to be with a man that can afford this sort of thing. I am not speaking badly of her...I want you to understand this. I just where she is at, at her age and single and with a child...that is all. She is only trying to survive is all...and I don't blame her one bit. It is not easy being a single Mom you know? She is only trying to get her life to where things are not always so hard on her and her son. You though probably don't see all of what I am seeing....because you are being blinded by this deep caring that you have managed to finally feel again for a woman. You know...I am really so sorry that I let you down the way I did....but do you see that someday she too, will be saying the very same thing to you. I wish though for you that it would not end up this way...really I do. You are such a super person really...you deserve so much more and because of the way things are....you try to always be so good to everyone...but there is always something standing in the way....yes I do know what it is...but all I am saying...is it should not be this way at all. Whatever happened to "unconditional love"? Good question hey? This world needs a good jolt of something...but I have not put my finger on exactly what yet!!! But when I discover what it is I will make damn sure I put it here so others can see it!!! There are just TOO MANY things that NEED to be changed!!! I am talking about people and the way they are now....TODAY...in this world!!! Everything is so shallow!!! No one can see past their own noses really!! Everything is surface!! We look at another person...and hey, if they are not perfect....to what our own tiny minds think to be perfect.....then we can not accept that unperfect person in our lives!!! Because don't you know whatever may be imperfect in that other person may just jump right on off of them and get all the fuck over us!!! And because of this....we go through life never trusting not one single person...because there is no such thing as a person that is perfect!! No one is perfect!!! Hey if we could be perfect then what would we need a God for? Do you see where I am coming from here? Perfection is only with God! There is none other that can be perfect...not here....not in this life!! But yet we all strive for perfection!!! What a total waste of time! Those looking for that perfect mate are wasting their time even more! To those I say....if you yourself cannot be perfect....how in the hell are you ever hoping to find a mate that is perfect? And how do we really judge perfect in another? Well that is simple.........!!! Look at their outside! Is it perfect? If not .....hey move on to another!! Yes we judge people on their outer selves first....and many never even take the time to know the real person inside! It is really very sad that our world is like this....but it is and we all have to live here!! I remember when I got married the first time...I was so green to how the world really was...and looking back now...I am so happy that I was. We were happy for a long time really...and I never thought about anything past my husband and my sons and our home. Those were the most important things in my life....they WERE my LIFE!!!! If he wasn't making a ton of money that mattered not to me...I was in love. I was happy just being with him....just having him near me. Even those months of the year that we struggled along....him out of work because the construction industry is slow in the winter time....and yes our Christmas was slim....but who cared....we had each other and was all that really mattered in life. We both knew that each of us would be there for the other no matter what. Nothing else mattered. We had our fights....and now when I look back on them...I laugh...even though we are not together anymore. I do think that our youngest son's death at the age of 13 years old had a lot to do with our live together ending as it did. We both silently blamed each other for his death...when actually it was not either of our faults. We tried to bring our boys up the right way....and we did take care of them as best we could. Christopher's death was not our fault...not at all. We could not control how other people live, nor could we control what things they kept around their homes either. Chris was shot in the face by his 10 year old playmate...there were guns in that house....that day anyway.....but from all I understand about it....that was the only time there was guns around....and the Mother who was a single Mother at that time.....did not know about the guns even being there...but they were placed in the sons closet by his own Dad who had stopped by to drop them off and no one was around to see what he was doing. I do think that he intended for his son to shoot his x-wife....because she was going to be moving in about a week and of course taking her son with her. So I don't even blame the boy for what happened...it was just something that happened and it was not intended to kill anyone.....not by the boys thinking. And too......I do keep in mind...that God does know all things...even the hour of our death. It was time for Chris to go home....and there is no other way to see it. It was out of all of our hands. But after this happened in our little lives...everything began to change!!! EVERYTHING!!! So it goes that those things that we never think can happen in our lives......DO HAPPEN......and when they do...we are no more prepared for it then a new born baby is prepared for birth! Live changes too fast from the moment we are born to the moment we die! That is a fact!! But we of course don't remember the massive change when we were born....from the comfort of our Mother's womb to suddenly having to actually breathe on our own and in a world that even at that moment feels all too cold!! As the years pass by and we grow....we tend to forget the comfort of where we once were....and grow so accustomed to this world we are now in. Growing up is about the same really for everyone....we all go through our little changes from a child to a teen!! Most of us DO marry and have a family....and grow even more comfortable in that new invirement. And it use to be that many stayed that way....married and happy until they died....but not anymore. This world today is too different...and all too many that marry do end up in divorce court...some far sooner then the rest. I was married for 24 years the first time around...and I was very comfortable! We lived together a year before we ever got married...so all together I was with that same person for 25 years out of my life. I never dreamed that I would not be married to him when we both grew old! But like I said....the death of our youngest son, I do believe, opened the door for something completely new to the both of us....a pattern developed....a pattern of distrust. And without our really knowing or seeing it coming ....each day we began to grow further and further apart....until it was over...after being together all those years....it was over just like that....a love so depended upon over....turned off like turning off the water!!! And there I was thinking I was fighting for my life...thinking I had to leave the only real home I had ever known because suddenly I was so afraid of the only man I loved. My entire family....who never took any time to even call me to say hi through all my married life with this man....suddenly was calling me all the time....everyday...advising me to leave and leave as soon as possible because staying in my home even another day might mean my life!!! That was all I was hearing from them over and over again!! So I decided inside myself to leave....I drew a line between me and him....a line that could never be crossed over again by either one of us....a line that brought on a whole new attitude against the only man I ever loved. We never had such contension against one another before....but it seemed as though my allowing my family to influence me was causing a whole new thing within that house....a whole new thing that I really did not even understand at the time...but was too afraid to turn back due to all the warnings of my own Father and Mother....and sisters. So in a sense...I was now looking at things that I never looked at before....things that I never bothered to see at all....and looking for faults in a person that I never looked for before. I didn't care what was on the inside at that time any more.......I was only able to see what I was being told by others.....and I might add here....that those others never saw anything good anyway in this person from day one....but that didn't matter....I wanted my parents to love me....this has always been something in my life that has been a very hard thing for me to obtain....I am the black sheep...the first born....and the unwanted daughter....but suddenly I was getting so much attention...and I wanted them to love me and take me as I was...something they would never do, but suddenly it seemed as though they were. The KEY word here though is "SEEMED"!!!!! That was all it was! THey did not care at all about me still....but I was too blind to even see this at that time. So I moved away.....down to where my family was....and here I am still....and have I gained one thing for doing this deed?? NO!! THey still even though living right up the street from me at this very time....do not have anything to do with me! They got me down here...they helped to destroy the only life I knew....but that was all they did!! The rest from that point on is no different then it ever was for me....they still do not even take the time to talk to me....and when I force myself upon them.....you can see how bothered they are by just even being around me!!! So I ask myself why? Why did I do this to myself? Why did I allow them to have any influence at all over me? Why? And to this day.....8 years later...I still do not know the answer to that!!! And they did not like you Dude......you already know this!! They did not try to hide that from you! We both knew this. And I always have since I came down here wondered why they did not like you too!! Because you were broken was what you use to say to me....but I think it was more that they could see that I was trusting you....and we were close....we could spend hours and hours just talking...and that did not sit right with them! They were looking more for me to be all alone...I guess they thought if they got me down here away from the person I had spent all those years with that they might be able to control my life as well....but that was not happening and they really resented that for certain! There you were....just another someone else in the way! But in spite of all their effort to drive you away and single me out to a life all alone....it never happened that way....and they got even colder towards me. They did not want me to even have one friend that I could trust. All of their work was in vain......and we have remained friends all these years.....in spite of them! So I watch out for you still Dude....you were there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on...you were always there. When I was sick you were there to help me through....when I was hungry you managed to find me food....even in those days when there was no money and you went out to the street to beg so we might have money to eat....you were there for me....and I will never forget that. Yes....I care about you Dude...and I will always care....so that is why I worry about this little thing you are trying so hard to get started with this Fred. I don't want to see anyone hurt you...and somehow I see it coming down the road....and I cannot understand how you cannot see it. But love is blind...or so they say...and I do think whoever said that knew what he was talking about. When we love another...we tend not to see their faults you know? Yes you do know this. I know you do. So I am writing this blog to say I am with you....and I hope it all turns out the way you want it too....but if it doesn't and it somehow falls apart....take it with a grain of salt....and go on....move forward....don't let it destroy your wonderful nature. You are special...you really are....and I guess I tend to try to protect you from what I might see coming down the road....that is all I am really doing....or was trying to do. You have been hurt too many times too in the past....and I don't want to see it happen again. So protect your heart. Tread lightly into whatever you are trying to do....and remember always....that if it doesn't work out....it was never meant to be in the first place. Remember too....we are a family and we will always be here....for you.
Get one good Blog going and then what....you can't get the damn thing to publish~!!